Fate, Destiny, and Chance
by Cutieqtpie
Summary: CarterAbby and New Years; this is the last chapter!
1. Default Chapter

After watching tonight's Alias, this is actually what I wish would happen on the show. However, since I'm a lot better at writing ER fan fic, I figured the same scenario could happen on the show, and wrote this story. It's now 10 minutes til 2 in the morning, and if I fall asleep in class tomorrow, this fic is being blamed. So please review so I have something going for me. This is a stand alone for now, but I might continue if I get feedback. Hope you enjoy!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I can't do this anymore." She sat up in the bed and began to look for her shirt. He turned on his side and watched her naked back move slightly as she twister her arms through the sheets.  
  
"What?" He answered, pretending he didn't know what she was talking about.  
  
"I told myself I'd never be the other woman. I know how it feels. I've been on the other side of this before." She finally finds her pants and quickly pulls them on before standing up. She brushes a stray piece of hair away from her face and notices another article of clothing lying on the floor. With one hand on the bed to balance herself, she bends down to grab the black bra. As she goes to stand back up, he grabs her hand and pulls her towards him.  
  
"You're not the other woman. You're the only woman." He pushes himself upward to catch her lips in his own. As much as she tries to stop herself, she can't help but allow a small moan to escape from her mouth. His lips move down and start forming a trail from her chin to the small crevice in her neck. She places both her hands on either side of his face and looks him in the eyes. They plead with her to just stay a little longer with him, and not to leave him alone in the king size bed that they have been sharing for a little over an hour. He continues to watch her as she lowers herself onto his chest, with her left ear over his heart. Her right arm is draped over his body and he takes the opportunity to use his free hand to gently trace a line up and down her back.  
  
"It's too complicated Carter." She finally says, and shuts her eyes. "That seems to always be our unraveling."  
  
"Has it become that much more complicated in the past three weeks?"  
  
"I think it was always this complicated and neither one of us wanted to admit it."  
  
"Abby, I love you." He expected some sort of reaction from this statement, yet got none.  
  
"I know." She said nonchalantly, as if he had only said that her car was out of gas. "And that's why I need to go. I think she's starting to suspect something."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Your wife."  
  
"Why? Did she say something to you?" With her head still pressed to his chest, she can feel his heartbeat start to quicken. She rolls off of him and starts putting the bra on as she answers him.  
  
"This isn't going to end well, you know that right, John? She's bound to find out. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together eventually." She's having trouble with the clasp and he reaches over to help her. "I'm just saying that can't go any further."  
  
He is once again surprised by her voice. This time she is speaking firmly, as if she has practiced saying the words before they actually came out of her mouth.  
  
"Why can't it?"  
  
"Do you love her?"  
  
"I told you that I love you."  
  
"Are you going to leave her? Become one of those men that leaves his wife for his mistress, that abandons the life that he has built for himself over a moment of lust?" She finally gets up off the bed again and goes over to the chair where her shirt is strewn.  
  
"Abby, this isn't lust."  
  
"Then are you going to leave her?" Abby stops and looks at him.  
  
"I can't do that, not yet." He replies.  
  
"Well when you do, give me a call." She pulls on her blouse and buttons it as she slides her feet into her shoes and exits the room. He watches her go, knowing there is nothing that he can say to keep her. He sighs and glances at his watch.  
  
"When does your shift start?" Carter calls through the room, knowing that even though she is being silent, Abby is still there.  
  
"In an hour." Her response comes a moment later.  
  
"Do you want me to run you home?"  
  
"No, I'm going to take the El." This is their almost daily ritual. Because he had kept his apartment, even after moving back into the mansion, this is where they meet. He knows that his wife doesn't even know this place exists, and this is the main reason that it is where they come. It is the same each time. They meet after their shift, maybe order in some food if they are hungry, and then spend the next few hours in bed. After she gets dressed, he offers to drive her home, yet she always refuses. Eventually, she leaves and he takes a shower and then heads home.  
  
She walks back into the bedroom and sits down on the edge of the bed, careful to be as far away from him as possible.  
  
"It's not fair to them."  
  
"They have one John Carter, the other is here." Her face forms a small smile as these words process through her head.  
  
"It's not fair to him, Carter. You work insane hours as it is being Chief Resident. It's selfish to keep you here away from him, he's your son." As always, she is the voice of reason, the one that keeps them both in a reality zone.  
  
"So this is it then?" He says, unable to meet his eyes with hers.  
  
"Yeah." She once again stands up and look at him one last time. "I'll see you around."  
  
And with that she is gone. He doesn't know why she continues to come to him like this. After he broke up with her in that letter, he wasn't even sure she would ever even talk to him again. He does love her, but this isn't about love. This is about fate, and destiny, and chance. It was fate that she caught him shooting up all those years ago, it was destiny that he would fall in love with her, and it was chance that she would fall in love with him.  
  
This cycle had changed recently however. He came back from Africa with a pregnant girlfriend, she was in med school. They had both changed, whether they knew it or not. He had gotten married and his wife had given birth to a son, Abby continued to push herself with med school. They rarely talked, except when working together on a patient, and outside of this, it was usually a polite small talk.  
  
This went on for several months, until one day a patient died, and John had gone for a walk. He had wound up at their bench, which was already being occupied by her. He had sat down and they had talked. He said all the things that he hadn't been able to tell her before, about how his grandmother's death had affected him, and how Africa had changed him. She finally opened up about her reasons in going back to med school, how his going back to Africa when she asked him not to had upset her, and how she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to let herself love anyone again.  
  
It was like the old times, when it had been simple and they weren't tangled up in feelings for each other. Yet that never seemed to last long, and even as they sat on the bench, they were unable to resist. Neither knew who initiated it, but soon they were kissing and it was like no time had passed.  
  
A cell phone rang, bringing Carter out of his daydream. He looked around the room, and finally finds it by his own shoe.  
  
"Hello?" He answers. "Hey, I was just about to call you. I'll be home in a little bit. Okay. Bye."  
  
He starts to wonder if maybe she does know. Has she noticed the insomnia that has kept him awake for hours recently? That he can't seem to eat a complete meal without feeling sick to his stomach. He is inflicting the pain that he is afraid to cause her upon himself. He didn't intend for this to happen. It seems like his life is out of his control now. And he wonders if he will ever have that control back again. 


	2. Chaos

If anyone asks, I did not use the time I was supposed to be doing homework to write this. However, I totally did do that. I've decided that I'm going to alternate character's POV's from chapter to chapter because that way you get to see different character's reactions to different things. I've already started writing future chapters, so look for more to be posted later this week. I must thank all my girls over at Forums4Fans for inspiring me.otherwise this wouldn't be getting posted anytime soon. And Mr. Pierson, please forgive me when I fail my chem test...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
CARTERS POV  
  
By the time I get home, it is almost 7 o'clock. As I walk in through the side entrance that leads from the private driveway on the side of the house, I can hear the baby crying.  
  
"Kem?" I call, trying to figure out how one nine month old could make so much noise. "Where are you?"  
  
"John?" I finally hear a reply coming from upstairs. When I reach the top of the stairs, the noise has gotten louder, and I realizes the she is in the baby's nursery.  
  
"Hey. What's the matter?" I go into the room and see my wife pacing with our son in her arms.  
  
"He just has a small fever. I'm sure he's fine, he's just upset."  
  
"How long has he been like this?"  
  
"Since I hung up with you." She replies wearily. "He's been fine all day."  
  
"Here, give him to me." I say and take the baby from Kem's arms. Almost immediately, the boy quiets down. "There you go, your fine baby."  
  
"Ugh, thank you John. I don't know how you do it." Kem wraps her arm around my waist and leans her head against my shoulder and watches our son. "How was your day?"  
  
"Not too exciting, just the usual patients."  
  
"What do you want to do for dinner?"  
  
"I don't care, whatever you want."  
  
"How about we order in? Chinese?" She offers and I force a smile.  
  
"Sounds good."  
  
"When I was at the hospital this morning, some nurses were talking about some new restaurant that they said was good. Of course, everything here is new to me, but we could try it out." I nod and she smiles and gives me a quick peck on the cheek before exiting the room, leaving me alone with Arden. Although I can sometimes see the similarities that exist between the two of us, his looks are almost identical to that of his mother. His skin is a soft cream color, another combination of Kem and I, his eyes are an even darker shade of brown than my own, but the little tufts of hair on top of his head are a slightly lighter brown. I watch as his eyes grow heavy and eventually shut and then place him back in his crib.  
  
As I leave the room, I take one more glance at my son before going through the adjoining door into our bedroom. Kem is sitting Indian style on the bed with the telephone in her hand. When she sees me, she takes the phone away from her face.  
  
"Would you rather have lo mein or sweet and sour chicken?" She asks me.  
  
"Uh, lo mein." I start unbuttoning my shirt and walk into the closet as she finishes up the order. I slip off my button down shirt and walk back into the room to get a t-shirt from a drawer.  
  
"Are you okay?" I didn't notice Kem come up behind me until she wraps her arms around my waist.  
  
"Yeah, I'm just tired." I rub my eye and then start to slip the t-shirt on. She kisses the back of my neck before releasing her arms.  
  
"We should go on a vacation. Take Arden and go away, maybe just for a long weekend."  
  
"I can't leave, I'm still making up shifts for when I was in Africa."  
  
"But that was months ago."  
  
"I was gone for a long time." I don't know how I can get this across to her. It's hard to explain to her how things work here, the responsibilities that must be faced at the hospital. I don't blame her of course, she comes from a different culture, she's not used to this. Suddenly, I remember something Abby told me years ago, when she was going out with Luka. It was the day I told her how I felt. She had been telling me about how Luka had offered to pay for her to go back to med school. I don't remember the exact words she said, mostly because I usually zoned out when she got to talking about Luka, but she said something along the lines of "usually when you're with someone for a while they get to know you, know your moods." I could always read Abby, I used to think that was a gift, now I'm not so sure.  
  
"John?" I whip around when she says my name, sending me out of my reverie. "Penny for your thoughts. You looked like you were about a million miles away for a while there."  
  
"I was just thinking about something." I don't think it would be in good form to tell her that I am thinking about my ex-girlfriend who I am now having an affair with. Or I guess had an affair with after this afternoon's conversation. I love Abby, I always have. I find it somehow impossible to not be in love with her. But I still can't walk away from Kem right now. I feel like I'm in this horrible position and I don't know how to fix it.  
  
"We should have a party." Kem's voice interrupts my thoughts again.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We should have a party here at the house. We can invite all your friends from work. This house is certainly big enough. It'd also give me a chance to get to know everyone better. I feel like I'm not included in that part of your life."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Sure, why not. You're right, the house is big enough and it will be nice to have it filled for once." I wonder if she notices that I'm doing this because I feel guilty about how I've been treating her lately. I don't include her in my work life, and we hardly ever go out with anyone from the hospital.  
  
"How many people do you want to invite?"  
  
"As many people as you want." Kem shrugs her shoulders. Suddenly, I hear the doorbell chime through the house. "Oh, the food must be here."  
  
She smiles at me and stands up from the chair and gives me a lingering kiss on the lips before rushing down the stairs to answer the door. I wonder how my life got this fucked up. When did it start? This chaos. And that's when I realize, it was when I met Abby.  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!!! 


	3. The Party

This chapter is one of my favorites. I love writing Abby's POV because I view myself very much as Abby is portrayed, so it just feels like writing about myself. I'm leaving on Saturday for North Carolina, so I'm not sure if I'll have chapter 4 posted by then, or not. If it's not, I will definitely put it up while I'm away, since I'll have my computer with me (and I'll be writing constantly!). Please review! Since this is one of my favorite chapters, I want to see what everyone else thinks. Either review here, or email me at incongito0686@yahoo.com. I really really really like feedback..so make me happy, and I'll make you happy...by updating more of course! Lol. Yea.I'm a loser. (  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
ABBY'S POV  
  
"You're going to the party tonight right?" Susan asks as she and I are entering the lounge at the end of our shifts.  
  
"No, I don't think so." It's been three weeks since I broke it off with Carter. I still don't think it's a good idea to go to this Christmas party that is being held at the Carter Family Mansion and pretend that I'm happy. Year by year, Christmas gets a little worse for me.  
  
"Come on, you might have fun." I shoot her a look that screams cynicism. "Carter's been back for months. We didn't go to the wedding, but this is a Christmas party. We should at least be a little sociable. You don't even have to see him or talk to him, everyone else is going to be there. You can just hang with me."  
  
"I don't think Chuck will like that."  
  
"Screw Chuck."  
  
"Susan, he's your husband."  
  
"Exactly. Besides, you like Chuck, Chuck likes you, you spend time together. In fact, you can just stay with Chuck the entire night!"  
  
"Are you really going to make me go to this thing?"  
  
"Yes, I think you need to get out more."  
  
"Fine. I'll go." If it gets her to stop whining at me, I'll do anything. Besides, she didn't say I have to stay the whole time. I'll make an appearance for an hour and then go home.  
  
"Good. We'll pick you up at 6:30." Susan leaves and I wonder what the hell I am doing. I have no right going to Carter's house and pretending like nothing is going on. However, four hours later, I find myself sitting in my apartment, fully dressed, waiting to get picked up. I look at my watch again, seeing 6:40 staring back at me. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and I grab my coat and go answer it.  
  
"Hey." Chuck smiles at as I open the door. "You look good, Susan is down in the car. She was on the phone so she asked me to come grab you."  
  
I exit the apartment and lock the front door as I follow Chuck back down the stairs in the building. I pull the coat around me as we exit the building. It's the middle of December and Chicago is as frigid as ever.  
  
"Oh my god, I love those boots!" Susan screeches as I get into the backseat of the car. To tell the truth, I love the whole outfit I put together. I had forgotten I had bought this knee-length black suede skirt last year until I was going through my closet. I don't really have an opportunity to dress up very often, and bought it when Carter and I were still dating. The black turtleneck shirt keeps it casual, while the black stockings with the mid-calf boots add the perfect touch.  
  
"Who were you on the phone with?" I ask, as we start driving towards the other side of town.  
  
"Oh, Chloe." Susan turns around and answers.  
  
"I didn't know you two were on speaking terms."  
  
"We're not. She was just calling to check in." Susan rolls her eyes and then faces forward again.  
  
The rest of the ride is spent pretty much in silence, except for the small talk every once in a while.  
  
"Okay ladies, here we are." Chuck says as we near the house and see other people arriving as well, walking towards the front door. This house still enchants me, even though I've been here several times. I remember when I crashed Carter's grandfather's funeral and showed up to be with John. That was actually the first time I had been to the mansion. I knocked on the door, unsure of what the reaction would be, and it was my first glance into this life that he had been captured in his entire life, and it threw me off.  
  
We get out of the car and I smooth down my skirt as we walk towards the door. Susan goes to ring the doorbell as we reach the door, but it opens before she has a chance. There is Carter's wife in all her glory, holding her son in her arms.  
  
"Hi Kem! Merry Christmas." Susan smiles in usual Susan fashion and gives her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. I watch as she then smiles again and touches the baby's foot. "Hi Arden!"  
  
"You're in trouble." I whisper to Chuck, so that the other two can't hear us. "She's got babies on the mind again."  
  
Chuck chuckles and then greets Kem before following his wife, which leaves just me. I stand there awkwardly for a moment as someone calls her name from inside the house and she turns to respond.  
  
"Merry Christmas Abby." She smiles at me when she turns around. Even though I've spent the last several months hating this woman for having the life that I could have had, I can't really blame her.  
  
"Merry Christmas." I force a smile.  
  
"I'm so glad you could come. I know that you're one of John's oldest friends, and it really means a lot to him to have all his friends around during the holidays, especially with his grandmother gone now." Thankfully I don't have to come up with a response to this because more people have arrived and Kem welcomes them as I walk into the main room. Basically, everyone I've ever seen even step foot in the hospital in now at this party.  
  
I look around for Susan and see her standing in deep conversation with Jing- Mei. A bar has been assembled on one side of the room and I see Chuck standing getting drinks. I keep looking around the room when I turn and I see Carter talking to Chuny. But right as I see him, his eyes look over and meet mine. Quickly, I look away and strike up a conversation with the first person I see, which happens to be Chuck returning with the drinks.  
  
"Hey, you having fun yet?" He jokes and I laugh.  
  
"No, I'll tell you when I am though."  
  
"I got to get this to Susan or else I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight." Chuck gestures towards the glass in his hand. "See you later."  
  
I'm standing against a wall, taking in the surroundings of everyone else seeming to have a good time, while I don't even know where to begin. I fold my arms across my chest and, seeing a door close by, sneak away. The room that I've chosen to escape to appears to be an office. I sit down on the couch, but something catches my eye on the desk. So letting my curiosity take over, I walk around and pick up one of the picture frames sitting on the dark oak.  
  
His face is the same as his father's. It's not as noticeable when you're with him, but this picture accentuates it. I wonder if I'll ever have this. A family. I don't even realize that a stray tear has made it's way down my face until a feel the wet trail and quickly wipe it away. I must be totally oblivious to everything because I don't even hear the door open until it closes again and he is standing there in front of, looking concerned, and I quickly replace the picture in its original spot.  
  
"Are you okay?" He asks, slowly walking towards me. I'm not okay, I'll never be okay, I'm stuck in this world which likes to play evil games on me.  
  
"Yeah, just got something in my eye." To make my point I rub my eye and attempt to form a smile to assure him that I'm fine. "You should get back out there. This is your party. It's a great one, by the way."  
  
"It was Kem's idea." He sits down on the couch and runs his hand through his hair as I lean against the desk.  
  
"He's beautiful.." I manage to say, after a moment of neither one of us saying anything. Then I realize that that was a terribly vague statement. "Arden, I mean. You were born to be a father."  
  
I watch as he smiles and I smile too. Suddenly I feel my feet moving towards him, and while my head is screaming for me to stop, I can't do it. I'm now standing in front of him and he looks up at me with this look in his eyes that I can't describe. He places his hands on either side of my hips.  
  
"You're so beautiful." He whispers into the soft material of my shirt as he rests his head against my stomach. Goosebumps immediately form on my arms as his warm breathe goes through the fabric and hits my skin.  
  
"John..." I murmur. "We can't do this."  
  
I feel his grasp on me slip away and I look down and his head is in his hands. I sit down next to him and wrap my arms around his neck.  
  
"I love you." I mutter as I start to cry again. "I love you so much John, but I think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other."  
  
I take my right hand and put it on the side of his face facing away from me and kiss the cheek that's closest. After my lips move away, my hand remains and I turn his head to look at me. No words can be spoken. There's nothing either one of us can say. All the words have been spoken. I stare into his dark eyes on more time before standing up and walking towards the door. I'm too afraid to turn around, but I know he is watching me. As I reach the door, I wipe my eyes one last time and then reach for the knob.  
  
When I make it back to the large room, I look up and see Susan staring at me from across the room. I avoid her gaze and rush as fast as I can to the nearest bathroom. Once inside, I go to grab a tissue and catch my reflection in the mirror. I still look the same, my eyes are a little red, but you would never be able to tell I had been crying. I smile to convince myself I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm okay. I repeat. I sniff one more time and throw the tissue away. I take one more glance in the mirror and then I pick my head up high and walk back out the door. 


	4. The Confrontation

This is another one of those transition chapters. Look for the next chapter to be very exciting (especially if you're a carby fan *wink wink*). I rewrote this chapter several times, so tell me what you think of this final version. It's not hard, there's a little button at the bottom of this page and you just click it and type. Doesn't take very long and makes me happy. Instant gratification! I'm back at school on Monday, so I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up.depends on my lack of sleep tomorrow. I'm such an insomniac, I stayed up til 2:30 this morning (Friday night/Saturday morning) writing and such. Yeah, I'm pathetic. Please review! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
CARTER'S POV  
  
I hear the door open several minutes after Abby left, and hold my breathe for a moment, wondering if it's Abby coming back. Or Kem, though I'm not sure which would be worse. I'm wrong on both counts, however, because it is Susan that walks in.  
  
"Hey." She says, and she closes the door behind her before making her way towards me. However, instead of sitting down, she leans on the side of the desk, as Abby did only moments before. "You okay?"  
  
I force a smile and shrug before shaking my head.  
  
"Look, I know about the two of you."  
  
"Who?" She and I always play this game, and it always has to do with Abby. And I always lose. "She told you?"  
  
I know that she and Susan are close. Very close in fact, best friends. I'm sometimes afraid that it was my doing because they only got close in between the time when I stopped dating Susan and started dating Abby. Not a very good period of my life, everything was confusing, almost as confusing as things are now.  
  
"She didn't have to." This startles me. Are we that obvious? I didn't used to think so. I thought we were better hiders than that, it's always been the thing that we were good at collectively. I look up at Susan and see this look of mad rage in her eyes.  
  
"You're mad at me?"  
  
"Of course I am you moron. Look, I may not have known her as long as you have, but I know her pretty well now. When you came back..it ripped her apart Carter, to have to see you with Kem, happy with Kem."  
  
"Well it's different now."  
  
"Is it? Knowing that she can have you when it's convenient for you, but you'll still be going home to your wife that night. You're still hurting her Carter. Even when I'm with her, I can see she's upset."  
  
"What am I supposed to do Susan? Leave my wife because I am hopelessly in love with Abby?" Both of us look at one another, waiting for the other to respond. Susan stares at me for a moment before shaking her head.  
  
"You know, sometimes I think it would have been better if you had just stayed in Africa." Now it's out in the open. This is what this argument has been coming to. I shouldn't have gone to Africa in the first place.  
  
"I couldn't stay here." I say quietly.  
  
"So you just left her! You weren't even going to tell her you were going."  
  
"I wasn't happy here anymore Susan. Neither one of us were happy anymore."  
  
"Can I just ask you one thing?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why didn't you propose to her? After you showed me the ring?"  
  
"I.I don't know. I was ready to. It was in my hand under the table, but this conversation I had with her mother just kept ringing in my ears."  
  
"Why? What did she say?"  
  
"She told me I couldn't expect Abby to change and I laughed at her and told her I loved Abby anyway, but she insisted that I had to love Abby even if she never changed and I don't know, I kept thinking about that. I did think I didn't care if she stayed the same person she's always been because that's the person I fell in love with. But I don't think we were ready. Maybe I was ready and maybe she was ready separately, but together.we just weren't."  
  
"She's too good for you."  
  
"I know. I don't deserve her."  
  
"While I agree with that, I think you need to make a decision. You can't have both John. You need to pick which road to go down."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"That's what I'm here for. Someone needs to give you the shit." Susan's serious face finally softens a little and she gives me a sad smile. "You are forever hopeless Carter."  
  
She shakes her head slightly and then leaves me alone again in the room. Moments later, I return to the party and attempt to pretend that nothing has changed and everything is alright.  
  
Several hours later, I'm in bed and Kem is asleep next to me. I glance at the clock on the bedside table and the time reads 2:34 am. I softly break myself from Kem's arm, which is draped over my side. I get out of bed and quietly exit the room. Tiptoeing as not to wake anyone up, I go down the stairs and into the office once again. I flip on the light as I go in, and sit down at the desk. I grab two pieces of paper and start writing.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	5. The Letters

Sorry if this chapter took so long. I got totally overwhelmed with school last/this week. Anyways, as you will soon see, this chapter is Carter's letters to Kem and Abby. Look for the next chapter up sooner rather than later, due to the four day weekend this weekend. And if you've been to my website lately, I'm sorry for the lack of updates over there. That too will get done this weekend. Please review! Tell me how you like the story so far! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Dear Abby,  
Our experience with those two words has never been very good, but I'm trying to work on it. There are certain things that can't be said in person, and certain things that can, and this is one of the things that can't. The first letter should have been in person and I'm sorry that it was ever mailed. I can't say that if I could I would go back and change the way things happened, because I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. Meeting you was the biggest leap of fate I've ever had in my life. Going through everything we've gone through only makes me believe that even more. It was necessary for me to go to Africa to realize how much you mean to me, and I was almost stupid enough to lose you again. I know things have been difficult lately, between trying to deal with.well you know. You deserve so much more than this hand you've been dealt in life, and I don't deserve to have your love after everything I've put you through. I need to go away for a couple weeks, away from everything. I'm not sure where yet, but I need to take a break and reevaluate some things in my life. I'll call you when I get back. Merry Christmas.  
  
-Carter ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Dear Kem,  
All of my life I've only wanted two things. The first is to fall in love and start the family that I never had. The other is to be truthful with myself and know my own limitations. I have to admit that I haven't been truthful with you in the past year since we met in Africa. I haven't told you things that should have been said, and I don't even know how to begin to say that in a letter, but it's less painful than trying to say it in person. Three years ago, I was stabbed in the back by a schizophrenic patient. After the stabbing, I was depressed and became addicted to pain killers. I would shoot anything into my veins that I thought would make this horrible pain that I was living with go away. I ended up going to rehab and I've been clean ever since. I pretended I was normal again after that, but I was never the same person I had been before. I had this weight on my conscience. For some reason that went away when I got to Kisangani. I saw that there were people I could help and it would somehow add to the greater good of the world, and I thought I was repenting for the way I had abused my privileged life in the past. When I went to the Congo, I was running away from my problems and my life here in Chicago. Meeting you, hearing about your life and your work and everything changed my life because everyone in Chicago knows who I am, knows about my family.my life. All anyone knew in Africa was that I was Dr. John from America and that I was there to help them. I thought that if I changed my life, I could change myself, but I'm still the same person that I was a year ago, and that makes what I'm about to say all the more difficult. I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved. I want to.God knows I do.and Kem, I love our baby and I wouldn't change anything and the way it's happened, but as my wife, I have to admit to you what I'm really feeling here. I understand if you're mad at me, but I think we've both been feeling this for a while. I'm going to Boston. Actually, if you're reading this and I'm not there, I'm already in Boston. I'll only be gone for a few weeks, I'm going to stay with my father. You can call me there if you need to, but we can discuss everything when I get back. I'm sorry...Merry Christmas.  
  
-John ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
One read the letter with tears in her eyes, wondering what would happen next. Wasn't it yesterday that they were happy? She had tried to make him happy, she thought he was happy, when did everything go wrong? The truth was, however, that she had noticed something was wrong. It wasn't that it was obvious, a lasting glance every once in a while, a sigh that was released at a strange time. But she had blamed it on stress.from working too hard. She had awoken that morning and reached out to rub his arm, but he was gone, and in his place, this letter on his pillow. She held her breathe as she used her finger to open the envelope and then cursed as the paper dug into her finger, leaving a small, but painful cut. A single piece of paper had fallen out of the envelope and she picked it up as she placed her finger on her mouth to soothe the abrasion. The next thing she knew, she couldn't tell the difference between the blood now in her mouth and the salty tears running down her face.  
  
The other read the letter expressionless, holding her breathe until she ran out of words to read. She had arrived at the hospital and opened her locker to find an envelope with her name written on it in his neat handwriting. She had wanted to open it then, to wonder what it was about, but couldn't bear to go through another disaster as she had in May. So she had tucked it into her coat before putting the coat in her locker, so she wouldn't forget it when she went home again. And that was when she had finally opened it, several hours later, while sipping a mug full of hot tea. She wondered when he would come back. She wondered if he would break her heart again, worse this time if it was possible. She wondered if things could possibly start going right for once. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	6. So This is the New Year

TITLE: So This is the New Year  
  
NOTES: This is the final chapter of this story. It's taken me forever to just get this far and try to put out good quality stuff, so this is the end. Of course more stories are always being thought up in my crazy head, so look for more from me in the future. I have thoroughly enjoyed writing this story because it's given me a great escape from the real show, which I am extremely frustrated about. One of the scenes is based on a conversation between Carrie and Big on SATC from about the 4th season. If you know what I'm talking about, you'll understand when you get to it. Hope you enjoyed it!  
  
DISCLAIMER: If I actually wrote for the show, don't you think you'd know it. First of all, all scenes would be Carby scenes and no one would know about Kem. Yea, don't sue me!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
By some miracle, she ended up actually being able to leave when her shift was over. The normal New Years maniacs seemed to be less crazy this year, or they just weren't starting at seven o'clock at night. She grabbed a cup of coffee from Ike's and then started walking towards to El. Or at least that's where she started towards. As she reached the turn however, where if she turned left towards the station or right towards the river, she turned right and started walking. Even though it was the middle of winter and it was cold, she was always drawn to this spot. And she couldn't help but think of him whenever she was here. Her mind drifted back to a year ago when he had come back.  
  
It had been a night similar to this night. She had worked a hell shift and had grabbed coffee on her way home. Except that she hadn't gone to the bench for no reason, she had seen him and had followed. He had stood at the rail and looked out at the river as she quietly reached the same spot. When he had turned and saw her standing there, he gave a small smile.  
  
"Hey. Is your shift over already?"  
  
"Finally. I've been on for the past 36 hours, this pedes rotation is killing me."  
  
"Yeah, pedes is one of the worst. It gets better though." He had sat down on the bench as she stood by the railing, looking at him. Finally, she spoke.  
  
"Why wasn't it me?" Her words were so quiet that he wasn't sure if she had actually said it, but when he looked up at her, he could see she was waiting for a response.  
  
"Abby..."  
  
"No, I need to hear you say it."  
  
"It just got so hard. And she's.."  
  
"I know." She had nodded like she understood, had pretended that she felt what he felt. "You love her?" Carter nodded.  
  
"Are you going to marry her?" Carter nodded again.  
  
"I hope she knows how lucky she is to have that. And you'll be a great father, John. I know it's what you always wanted." And with that she had walked away, holding in the tears that she had been brave enough to restrain from falling for so long. And when she had reached the front door of her apartment, and opened the door and walked in, the tears started falling.  
  
Now here she was, standing at the all too familiar railing, looking out on the partly frozen river. A voice broke through the wind she quickly turned.  
  
"Are you off already?" She had gotten her hopes up, for it was Susan, not Carter who stood behind her. "What's the matter? Not happy to see me?"  
  
"Sorry, I thought you were someone else."  
  
"He'll come back Abby." She said with such a confidence that Abby wanted to believe her. But he had done this before, run away, and he had been gone for months without her hearing from him. But this time was different, and she knew it, it was only a matter of time.  
  
"I don't know." She shrugged and ran her hand through her hair.  
  
"You wanna grab some dinner?"  
  
"On New Years Eve?" Abby laughed and Susan smiled too. "Go home to your husband!"  
  
"I like you more. Come on, it's the last day of the year!"  
  
"And what a year its been."  
  
"It hasn't been that bad. Sure, there have been some parts that have really sucked, but all things considering, you have your health."  
  
"Thanks." She said sarcastically.  
  
"Well think about it this way, a helicopter didn't fall out of the sky and land on you!"  
  
"So now you're comparing me to Romano? That makes me feel so much better."  
  
"Fine, well I'm going home. You should do the same. Unless you want to freeze to death of course."  
  
"Bye Susan." Abby calls as the other woman turned her back towards her. Susan turned around and smiled back at Abby.  
  
"Happy New Year." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* She got to her apartment a little after 8 o'clock. She was tired and her feet ached, and so she trudged through the snow with her head bowed down as she turned the corner onto her street. Her hand grabbed onto the railing as she reached her building, and yet she never saw the figure sitting on the top step, staring at her with an amused look on his face. Finally she saw him, and she stopped and stared at him for a moment without speaking.  
  
"I've been sitting here for forty five minutes, you know. I called the hospital and they said you were off at 7."  
  
"I was. I've just been walking around since then."  
  
"On New Years Eve when all the crazy people are out?"  
  
"Crazy people don't scare me anymore, only the normal ones."  
  
"Well that's understandable."  
  
"Where did you go?" She asked after a moment of just staring down at him, as she was still standing on the stairs whereas he was sitting.  
  
"Boston. I was with my father."  
  
"When did you get back?" He looked at his watch before answering.  
  
"Uh, about an hour and a half ago."  
  
"Have you even been home yet?" He sighed and finally stood up and took a step closer to her. Her breathe caught in her throat and she looked up to see him staring down at her, into her eyes, into her soul. "John..."  
  
"Will you shut up and listen to me for a minute please." He interrupted her and raised his eyebrows with a smirk on his face before continuing upon her nod. "Kem left me. She went back to Africa and took Arden with her."  
  
Abby went to say something, but he interrupted her again with a small shake of his head. "Shh, let me finish this."  
  
Abby whispered softly "okay."  
  
"She flew up to Boston two days ago before her flight to Paris. She didn't really tell me why she was leaving, just that she had to. It wasn't til I called the hospital that I found out that Susan had talked to her. She had called Susan begging for her to tell her everything, and so she did, well not everything, but most of it."  
  
"She asked me if I ever really loved her, or if I was just getting over you. And I didn't have an answer. I could not answer her. And I've spent the last 36 hours trying to figure that out. I have loved you since the moment I first saw you, and you didn't even notice me. You didn't notice me for another year after that, even as I continued to fall more and more in love with you. I went to Africa because even though we dated for almost a year, it was like you still didn't notice me. I thought leaving would solve all my problems, and that was the worst decision I've ever made in my life because you are the only person."  
  
"John..." Thought she was not usually an emotional person, Abby now had tears streaming down her face.  
  
"Abby Lockhart, as long as I live, you will be the only one that will ever mean anything to me. I will love you until the day that I die." He continued to stand about a foot away from her, waiting for her response to this admission. "But I understand if you don't feel the same way, I understand if I've hurt you and you never forgive me for that. I understand..."  
  
He was interrupted by Abby lunging at him, placing her hands on either side of his face and pressing her lips to his. She kissed him passionately and ran her hair through his hair before finally breaking apart, out of breathe.  
  
"Abby?" Carter questioned after a moment of them watching each other intently without any physical contact.  
  
"I'm freezing. It's cold out here."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You know, this is my apartment building. My warm, cozy apartment is right up a couple steps inside this door." A small smile played on her mouth as she took a step towards the door.  
  
"Yes it is." John remained with his feet planted in the same spot.  
  
"Well are you waiting for a formal invitation or are you coming?" Abby unlocked the door and turned back towards him, a full smile on her face. John shook his head and smiled. As Abby disappeared through the door John saw the door begin to swing shut and rushed to grab it. He had missed opportunities in the past, but this was a new beginning for them, and he wasn't about to let it pass him by. 


End file.
